I saw a wino eating grapes, and I said, "Dude - you've got to WAIT."

(Mitch Hedburg)

This coffee tastes like mud.

Well it was fresh ground this morning.

(Anon)

Fanny Craddock, the first great British TV cook, was "helped" on air by her husband Johnny who was actually drinking all the sherry and getting tipsy. Once Fanny held up two huge potatoes saying "These are King Edward's" to which Johnny's drunken voice in the background commented "They look more like King Kong's ....."

"I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it 'Do not eat if seal is broken.' So I opened up the box, and sure enough... "

(Brian Kiley)

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries with that?"

(Jay Leno)

‎"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

(Buddy Hackett)

"Ever wonder about those people who spend a fortune on bottled water? Try spelling Evian backwards."

(George Carlin)

"No one who cooks, cooks alone. Even at her most solitary, a cook in the kitchen is surrounded by generations of cooks past, the advice and menus of cooks present, the wisdom of cookbook writers."

(Laurie Colwin)

"Some people like to paint pictures, or do gardening, or build a boat in the basement. Other people get a tremendous pleasure out of the kitchen, because cooking is just as creative and imaginative an activity as drawing, or wood carving, or music."
(Julia Child)

"He hath eaten me out of house and home."
(Shakespeare)

"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."
(Tommy Cooper)

"Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?"
(Jay Leno)

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
(Mark Twain)

"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked."
(Sir Winston Churchill)

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
(Totie Fields)

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
(Mitch Hedberg)

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart."
(Erma Bombeck)

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people."
(Orson Welles)

"MacDonalds in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbour."
(SI Hayakawa)

"The woman just ahead of you at the supermarket checkout has all the delectable groceries you didn’t even know they carried."
(Mignon McLaughlin)

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
(Steven Wright)

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
(Anon)

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
(Steven Wright)

"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."
(Raymond Blanc)

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
(Matt Lauer)

"Dining is and always was a great artistic opportunity."
(Frank Lloyd Wright)

"Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables. They probably get jet-lagged, just like people."
(Elizabeth Berry)

"As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate."
(Sandra Boynton)

"The two biggest sellers in bookstores are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it."
(Andy Rooney)

"Why beer is better than wine: ....human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making."
(Steve Mirsky)

"Everything you see I owe to spaghetti."
(Sophia Loren)

"For its merit I will knight it, and then it will be Sir-Loin."
(Charles II)

"We may find in the long run that tinned food is a deadlier weapon than the machine-gun."
(George Orwell)

"When we no longer have good cooking in the world, we will have no literature, nor high and sharp intelligence, nor friendly gatherings, no social harmony."
(M.Carême)

"If food be the music of life, rock on!"
(Robert Banning) (apologies to W.Shakespeare)

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
(Jim Davis, 'Garfield')

"People who like to cook like to talk about food....without one cook giving another cook a tip or two, human life might have died out a long time ago."
(Laurie Colwin)

"I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it -- after all, they've already given us tasteless bread."
(Robert Orben)

"The smell of good bread baking, like the sound of lightly flowing water, is indescribable in its evocation of innocence and delight."
(M. F. K. Fisher)

"Food is not about impressing people. It's about making them feel comfortable."
(Ina Garten)

You don't have to cook fancy or complicated masterpieces - just good food from fresh ingredients."
(Julia Child)

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian, wine and tarragon make it French, sour cream makes it Russian, lemon and cinnamon make it Greek, soy sauce makes it Chinese, garlic makes it good."
(Alice May Brock)